All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
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Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”