All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
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A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Just got to our Airbnb!
Mad that at the end of BatB (Beauty and the Beast) the breaking of the spell turns all the furniture back into the Beast Prince’s staff and they all just continue to work there??? Buddy you’ve been a wardrobe for so many years why don’t you go and be free
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
This is me 🤣🤣
