Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

[crime scene]

*detective snaps pics of murder victim*

Corpse: delete it

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

Me: *talking to teen daughter*

Teen: I can’t hear you.

Me: *unplugs WiFi*

Teen: I HEARD THAT!

Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do

“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”