Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

Him: Sometimes I worry about you.

Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.

me: this is my horse, mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

Helpful phrases:

“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”

Aerosmith = Romantic

Me = Restraining Order

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

🙄

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.

IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH

Me: I’ll never get married again!

Husband:

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

had some friends over this afternoon. they said aloud they should be going “in ten minutes or so” and my 9 year old looked at them and then asked google to set a timer for 10 minutes

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.

My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.

WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.

TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*

A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.