Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no