All I’m saying is that big burgers should be fucking wider not taller
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels
amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend