All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
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“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
New menu item
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
This kid is going places
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes