All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
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Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”
I have 1 coffee a day.
Offices are hell.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
some BODY once told me
Luigi Mangione
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
You can tickle the penguins
And get them to laugh
You can just sing a song
To amuse the giraffes
Just a little soft-shoe
Will delight the woodchucks
But try as you might
You can’t
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
somewhere, in an alternate universe
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*