All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
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I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
sometimes i miss this memes
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BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
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When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Whoa 😂
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I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
i’m so confused by this landlord’s request for “proof of employment” after I’ve sent him multiple W2s, pay stubs, and bank statements. does he want my github
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”