all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
We found love in a hopeless place.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?