all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
☠️☠️☠️
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Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
How animals would run if they were human
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
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Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Rich people don’t understand cereal
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Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.