@KateWouldHaveIt

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.

- @KateWouldHaveIt

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@Pro_Jones_

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

@daveexplosm

Saw the trailer for Life Of Pi. Why are they making a Calvin & Hobbes movie in 2013?

@BuckyIsotope

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

@LeBearGirdle

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

@dafloydsta

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

@marginoferror

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

@TheToddWilliams

ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”

YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants

@uccjeb

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

@Bmangall20

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

@cool_as_heck

Boy: I wish more girls liked farming
Girl: I like farming
Boy: Lol oh yeah? Name the 5 most water-efficient irrigation systems of the 1980s