*consoling friend who is a baker*
I’m really sorry about the fire at your bread shop. Looks like your business is toast now.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
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There are two sides to every story. My side and the right side.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
“Don’t Kid Yourself” would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.