All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
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Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.