All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
You Might Also Like
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
This trial is so absurd 😭
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.