Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.

5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick

Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat

*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?

waiter: no they can’t reach the table

Fixed this for Shakespeare

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?

That’s the whole month of January for me

BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!

ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!

If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.

If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.