All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
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Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
pictures of spider-man
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.