All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
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It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Fries, not lies.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.