All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
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Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
My dad just asked me, “if two vegans fight is it still called “a beef?”
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
