All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
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Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
lmfao come on
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit