Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?

Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.

Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.

I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.

Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

This squirrel eats better than I do

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

People clown on Sun Tzu for giving really basic and obvious advice but keep in mind that emperors and nobles at the time were drinking mercury to become immortal. I think he knew his audience.

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.