@SnarkyMommy78

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

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@jake_likes_naps

[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy

@AmishPornStar1

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

@bourgeoisalien

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

@foodfacenow

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

@behindyourback

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

@TheCatWhisprer

Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.

@UncleDuke1969

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

@Parkerlawyer

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

@SaxMouse

When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends