All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
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Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.