son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
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Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends