Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich

Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

This makes total sense…

Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?

[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]

HER: do you have a retirement plan?

ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed

Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you

Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance

Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.

You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner

me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is

my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you

…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

*drinks Grey Goose

*adds bird fanatic to the resume

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.