All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
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Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
She took all my money, called me fat, AND stabbed me in the arm. I hate doctor appointments.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
My husband said I’m the most amazing woman on the planet. GEESH CRAIG WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF OTHER PLANETS?!? AM I JUST MEDIOCRE ON THOSE? I’m throwing up so much right now
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?