Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

[At Vision Center]

Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?

Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.

6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”

Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”

6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.

A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*

Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.

Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.

If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin

Let that sink in

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.

Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs

Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

Is there a Black Friday sale on Hot messes?