All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

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Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free


Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works


Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.



ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.


After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this


I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.


Your son has been suspended

“for what?”

He hit a kid who was picking on another child

“so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?”


Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.