@ScottLinnen

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

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@donni

Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free

@mdob11

Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works

@OneFunnyMummy

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

@mynameisntdave

[diner]

ME: I’ll have the eggs, please

WAITER: how would you like those?

ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.

@11MyJam

After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

@HehBuddy

I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.

@DaddyJew

Your son has been suspended

“for what?”

He hit a kid who was picking on another child

“so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?”

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.