Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
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Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I super glue one jar of pickles shut and leave it out at the barbecue then watch the humiliation unfold.
Your son has been suspended
He hit a kid who was picking on another child
“so what, yall ran out of ice cream to give him?”
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.