All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
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no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else鈥檚 house but there鈥檚 no toilet paper, so I鈥檓 forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
when it鈥檚 summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I worry that without my car鈥檚 skid warning light I鈥檇 have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
馃槏馃槀馃グ馃槀馃槏
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.