Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…

Aw beans

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.

My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.

My term for the other half is “breakfast”.

The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

When the doctor asks about my sex life.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.

[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans

😆

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…

You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

seems like a niche market

Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.