All I’m saying is the only team building exercise we had when I started working was called “Happy Hour.”
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In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
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he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Bobby pin
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
A holiday of 20 days, 6 countries and the first thing my kid says after being back is “ah I have missed my own toilet”.
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Oh my god
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it