All I’m saying is the only team building exercise we had when I started working was called “Happy Hour.”
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Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
🍛
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Me trying to figure out if this cantaloupe is ripe
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Spell check is for lasers.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
my tinder date sounds fun: fingerblaster69. he probably does that finger guns thing. i love that