All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
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I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
if I was a priest I’d make my side of the confession booth really big so I could run around
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Food gives you energy to nap more.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off