Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

you’d think eating your young was more filling.

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread

If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian

priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom

At an art museum and I thought this was art

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.

Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.