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[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Think I pulled my liver
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.