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I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
When my 6yo is mad at us, he changes our avatars on the Nintendo Switch. Right now my husband’s name is Poop and I look like I ask to speak to managers.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
I need to update my racial profile.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken