All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
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My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
live, laugh, laundry.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?