All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
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[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”