All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
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love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!