All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
You Might Also Like
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.