All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I’m looking for a documentary on small rivers. Does anyone know a good streaming service?
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.