All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
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Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.