All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
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her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
