All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*