All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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Good Morning.
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Alright I’m tired and I’m pretty much out of fake mustaches. I’m going to stop voting now.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad