All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
