All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
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WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband