All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
always be there
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.