All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
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“That’s what” – She
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.