Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

I’m not wrong

About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox

Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.

why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly

Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆

Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.

Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.

Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.

My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full

Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?

Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator

Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!

Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!

me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.

my astrological sign is a french fry

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!