Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

[The Second Coming]

Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“

Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady

My dog when she hears popcorn popping

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…

Job interviewer: What are your strengths?

Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?

JI: Yes.

Me: I’m very perceptive.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.

911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.

911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.

Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today