All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
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“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
