All is fair in drunk and war.
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3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Well, that didn’t work.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork