All is fair in drunk and war.
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Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.