All is fair in drunk and war.

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Stuck between “that was awesome” and “OMG do you need medical attention” wherever I walk off the dance floor


Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.


My need for caffeine is so bad I’m going to AA for the free coffee


A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.


The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single


I’m on the powerlifting forums, trying to convince everyone that kissing another man before you bench gives you an awesome adrenaline boost.


Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.


[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.


Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?


When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien