All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
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[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
gender is a sprctrum
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Just got to our Airbnb!
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.