All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
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me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today