All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
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I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.