All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
only eating apples so worms can better understand the housing crisis
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”