All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
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[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
LOL
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.