All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Florida be like…
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
