Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.

“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.

Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.

Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked for free.

🤪😜

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.

“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.

“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.

Husband: You should go to bed.

Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.

The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the room

Me to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.

Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:

“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”