All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
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Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me