Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

My Favorite Chops:

1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork

My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.

I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”

I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.

Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.

For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.

Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?

*rolls grocery cart into open house*

Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*

An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.