All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
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Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”