All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
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My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
there has never been a better use of this meme
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Fridgescaping- we stopped being able to afford to fill our fridge with groceries, so now we’re going to add some decorative yard sale finds to fill the void
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*