All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
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*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house
me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
This kid is going places
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.