Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72

“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy

If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go

not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place

I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.

I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.

ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?

Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*

– Freezer Inspector –

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?

Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile

Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?

SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?

T-REX: Just because okay

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.