Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
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Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL