All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
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To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*