All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
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Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
This week’s mood.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy