All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
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When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison