Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

Government Shutdown: Day Two

Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

Orion’s belt? Waist of space!

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking

friend: did it work?

me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.

I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat