All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
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If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Rude much 😂😂😂
