All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
![]()
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The Sun’s probably Asian.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
![]()
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily