All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
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I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I’m so smart, I got rid of cable and now I only have $638 in monthly streaming services
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Huge if true.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.